Choosing to Dance

One crisp fall morning, admittedly it was only last fall, my husband said something to me that I allowed to affect me in the depths of my soul. I didn't want the kids to see me cry...again, so I disappeared into my bedroom, stood by the bed and buried my face in the unmade mess of covers that lay there. I sobbed like a baby, an occurrence that had become commonplace for me. It was my convenient, habitual way of dealing with all the seeming hurts life brought me. Actually, the sobbing normally happened in the corner of my dark closet where I could cry in solitude, lamenting the fact that I had not been born a princess.

I felt that familiar feeling of helpless despair that I had so desperately been attempting to part with. This feeling was not a welcome visitor, but it seemed unwilling to leave me alone. I had even read about the negative health affects of this unwanted guest. In my learning, I had found that this particular 'friend of mine' was the most disease-causing feeling in existence. That knowledge alone made me want to flee from it's presence, but how? I really didn't know how to live life without its companionship. I knew I wanted to part with it, I knew it was devastating to me (and those around me) in so many ways, but I didn't quite get how to escape its company.

It was at this moment, in the deep longing for something different, for a joy-filled, abundant life, that I lifted my head and realized that the words spoken to me by the man I said "I do" to seventeen years prior, did not have to have this sort of power over me. Words, in and of themselves, do not have this sort of power, and yet, at the same time, they do have great power. They might illicit strong feelings, but it is my choice to do with those feelings as I see fit. There was no need to allow mere words to bring my face to this buried state amongst the mess of blankets on my bed. I had chosen to react this way and I could un-choose this reaction at any moment.

The next moment was when the magic occurred. In a split second, my life was changed forever. Say it was the Holy Spirit. I cannot say for sure what it was, but I closed my eyes, and saw Jesus standing there asking me into His arms for a dance. It was the most peaceful feeling I had yet experienced in my short 41 years on this planet. As I stepped into His arms, we began to dance the most joyful dance, He holding me so close and secure in His arms. It was at this moment that I realized that this journey of life is a dance.

He has already written my story. What is, is. I can fight what is, or I can dance. I had lived the first 41 years making an enemy of His story for my life. I wanted to be a princess after all. I wanted it all and I wanted it to be easy and He showed me in that moment that easy is dancing with Him, allowing Him to play out the unique, amazing, special story He had written for my life and that joy comes in the knowing how to dance. He's leading me and I am a princess in His amazing Kingdom that is nothing like the 'happily ever after' fairy tales that were ingrained into my young mind as a tot. No, it is much more exciting than that.

Soon after this first dance, I met a beautifully jolly man who loves to dance. He and his partner dance competitively and he told me the most beautiful truth - that a man's job when dancing is to make his partner queen of the dance floor and that the only way he can do that is if she fully surrenders to his every move. If she is willing, she will be queen.

God revealed to me in that moment of dancing, that He is my perfect partner, my perfect husband, my perfect friend. I have gone through life expecting my husband to be my god. Can you imagine the burden of being expected to be God, and yet, I had spent 17 years wanting him, expecting him, burdening him with the responsibility of saving me from this terrible beast called life. I wanted him to be my perfect knight in glimmering, shiny armour, saving me from that nasty old beast, making my life perfect, on my terms. But Jesus showed me otherwise. He had given me this husband so that I might learn to love my 'imperfect' neighbor as myself. In all His Almighty wisdom, He had lovingly given me this man so that I might learn the most sacred lessons of all, to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and to love my neighbor as myself.

I had gotten it all wrong. I had chosen to love God on this one condition, that my neighbor serve me, and serve me on my terms, in all my princessly glory. I wanted it my way and if it weren't that way, boy, I was gonna fight. Well, I can assure you that fighting what is, is no way to joy. Dancing is so much more fun!

It has now been a short year since that desperate morning, and I can gladly say that I have never once found myself buried in hopelessness and despair again. He gave me new lenses to see on that cold, fall morning. I'm not saying that I have not cried. No, sadness is part of this human existence and it is normal and important because it too is a gift. It is all a gift. It is all promised, promised to be for our good, every single moment of it. It is all a gift. It is all here to teach us and stretch us and give us new lenses with which to see, and... to teach us to dance through this glorious ugly, beautiful mess called life. It all happens 'for' us and not to us. All of it. And the best part about dancing is that we can only dance right now in this present moment which is exactly where we always need to be, right here and right now. The past is gone and the future is yet to come. The secret mystery is found in staying right here in this very moment... and choosing to dance, fully believing that every part of my story is exactly as it is supposed to be, all for good!

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