Matthew 16:24-25

"Then Jesus said to His Disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake shall find it."

Maybe we have been trying to "save" our life(s). I am not sure. It is becoming apparent, though, after 2 1/2 years of SERIOUS trials, that maybe we have been doing just that and now God is litterally yanking parts of our lives away. Some days I literally feel that pain of parts of me being yanked away. I cry, and I cry a lot because it hurts, it is scary and I am not totally sure I am ready. But then, as a storm comes in, it also goes out and the calm comes. The verse, "when I am weak, then I am strong" comes to life and it feels like I get scooped up in HIS arms after my days of deep despair and He gives me His strength and I get stronger. I see all the good that is happening to me. I feel the growing pains and then I see the growth. It's funny that being pruned, being made smaller, makes you bigger. Being cut down, results in the bountiful bearing of fruit. Sometimes a plant must be stripped down to nothing when the pruning job is big. I think the pruning job on me is very big. At the same time, I am really seeing big change. God is so faithful to transform us.

I want to share a little of how He has done this in our life over the last two and half years because maybe my story will encourage one person and if that happens, then it was worth it to write.

It all started with the birth of our fourth child. I have come to beleive that every person has a number of children that becomes their breaking point in a sense. The number that makes them say, this is all I can do. Usually it is with child number 3, 4 or 5 that this happens. I was homeschooling when my 4th was born and 4 kids was my breaking point. Every time we got in the car, she screamed. Whenever I was making dinner, trying to help kids with homework and getting ready for hubby to come home, she screamed. I tried having her on my back, she didn't like it. It was a really stressful time and my husband was gone 12 - 14 hours a day. From the time she was 6 months until she was about 18 months, our stress level went higher than it had ever gone. We put the kids in school which helped, but still having two little ones at home and one that was a "consider it pure joy child", made it the most difficult year we had ever known. About the time our little sweetie turned 18 months, my husband's dad very suddenly passed away. It was out of the blue, he was 65. It was such a shock, as sudden death always is. Just as life seemed to be getting back on track, 6 weeks after Tobin's father died, my dad had a massive stroke that has left him unable to communicate to this day. At first, the doctors did not think he would make it and my family and I spent a week in intensive care just praying for God to save him. Our dads were the first things ripped suddenly out of our lives. Up until then, I must admit, we were both still pretty dependant on our families for support, advice and acceptance. Our dads were both a huge part of our lives.

These two experiences changed our perspective on life a lot. Max turned 10 and it opened our eyes to the fact that our children were growing up without Daddy. We saw that life was short. My husband decided to resign from Starbucks corporate after 8 years. He started his own mortgage business, Vintage Park Funding. http://www.vintageparkfunding.com/ That went very well for a while and then the mortgage industry and the economy turned upside down. Very soon after he started his business, we put our home on the market, it is still for sale. We registered the kids in school an hour and half from our house, thinking the place would sell. It didn't. My husband and kids commuted an hour and half each way to school last year. His business has gotten to the point where we are not making ends meet. He is now looking at a job at the kid's school as the development director.

At this point we are literally selling all of our earthly possessions to get by until he gets a job. I am studying to become a personal trainer so that if I must work, I can help people in a way that is very satisfying for me. I had to cancel my hair appointment. I love to have my hair look great. Giving that up, as silly as it sounds, was a huge thing for me. I sold my Louis Vuitton purse and wallet today. Tobin has sold a lot of his hunting gear including two duck boats. I have furniture on Craigslist. My bike is being sold. Everything we love is going. I cried so hard yesterday I thought I would die of hyperventilation. Then today, I woke up so happy. I feel free. My cell phone is even cancelled. I actually LOVE not spending a lot of time talking about pretty much nothing!!! I do still have my $30 per month gym membership, which I just pray I can keep, but I am even ready to do away with that if I must. The amazing thing is that I learning to be resourceful. I can now stretch a meal so far, I can serve company a dinner made of leftovers!!! These are huge learnings for me as I came from much abundance. Where we both grew up, we never really experienced the "making do" mentality. Today, as I adventured through the farmer's market with my girls and then the Grocery Outlet, I felt so happy and free to be finding ways to spend so much less money on groceries. God is so good to force us into learning things that we really would never learn any other way. I love to be HIS child and I love that He cares so much for us that He is willing to prune us down to nothing in order to transform us into His image. He is an amazing God. May we daily be able to sing, "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 'It is well, It is well with my soul."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!